There are certain things you should never do in life: never lick a steak-knife, never take a laxative and a sleeping tablet on the same night; and never, if you are a man, ask a woman if she’s pregnant. In terms of the latter, probably the only time it is actually safe for a man to hazard a guess that a woman is actually pregnant is: if you happen to find yourself in the maternity section of a hospital, and you are in the delivery room, and the woman in question is in stirrups – and crowning. Then, and only then, is it safe to venture to enquire, “Oh, I didn’t know you were pregnant”. Otherwise, under no circumstances whatsoever should a man venture to guess that a woman is pregnant.
Younger men, eager to show off their worldliness, will sometimes venture to remark to bulging woman, “Hey! Wow! Didn’t know you were pregnant. You look great. It really suits you””. Only to hear her come back with; “Idiot! That’s just my beer belly. Yeah, thanks!” If you’re a bloke reading this, perhaps you’ve made that mistake. I know I have. So, now I never, never ask a woman if she’s pregnant.
That being said, I am not above making a complete arse of myself with women. Why, only recently I chanced to make a remark about a woman which I thought was funny, but which the lady in question thought otherwise. Completely otherwise.
Lads, you know how we often joke amongst ourselves about being portly, being chubby, or being a bit lardy. You know the way we sometimes refer to each other jokingly as: Chubster, Mr. Wibbly Wobbly, or Five-Bellies? Well, apparently, women do not find jokes about them being overweight, all that funny. In fact, truth be told, even if the women in question is a good friend of yours, (which was the case for me recently) joked about her being overweight are about as welcome as a fart in a phonebooth.
And I should know because, when recently I tried to be a bit “matey” with a lady I am friends with, I joked about her being overweight and she gave me that look. You know the one. It’s the one that, well, if she were a lady from Belfast, it’d say “Have you ever tried picking your teeth up, with broken fingers?” Or, if she were from the South, she’s looking at you with a look that says, “You do know I have a gun in my purse, and one in my car, just in case the first one jams, don’t you?”
All I’m saying guys, is, you know, be careful out there.
My name is Brain O’ Nuanain. I recently moved to Bossier from Ireland. And madam, honestly, if anything, your bottom looks a little bit small in the dress.
Brian O’ Nuanain runs “Across The Pond And Beyond”, a company that organizes international vacations. You can reach him at acrossthepondandbeyond.com